8 Steps to Radical Acceptance

This is a special bonus blog on radical acceptance. I am writing this blog as much for myself as for you. After more than a month on crutches, I notice minimal improvement in my disabling foot pain and swelling caused by arthritic bone cysts. I know from decades of experience that spiraling into fear and dissatisfaction with life is not going to be helpful to my mental or physical state. So, I ask myself what can I do? What can I read? Who can I listen to? How can I find peace and acceptance while I’m experiencing so much uncertainty about the future?

Luckily, I have a pretty vast library of helpful authors. And although my library is at home in Calgary and I am on the road, I have not only read all my best books but have also taken detailed notes in case I ever want to share the ideas with all of you. In my search for guidance, I found myself going back to some notes I made several years ago about Tara Brach’s book Radical Acceptance. I reread my notes, hoping to find something in them, anything really, that would free up some space in my thinking from the fearful stories I’m telling myself about the future. There is the “F” word again.

What Is Radical Acceptance?

Let's start with the definition of radical acceptance. What is it anyway? To paraphrase Marsha Linehan, the founder of dialectical behavior therapy,

Radical acceptance rests on letting go of the illusion of control and a willingness to notice and accept things as they are right now, without judging.

Really, having control is an illusion? I thought it was expected of each of us to take control and find solutions for our health and life problems. I notice I have been rehearsing the story that if I can find the right therapeutic approach or the right way to rewire my gait, I can heal. I’ve bought into the cultural narrative that it is up to me to figure out the right path and that I should work at it endlessly until I find a solution. I notice that recognizing my body’s innate ability to heal is seldom in the cultural narrative.

How can I accept something that feels so objectionable and is getting in the way of my hopes and expectations to such a significant degree? Perhaps you ask yourself the same question. Complex chronic diseases are marked by so many debilitating symptoms, perhaps the most limiting of which is post-exertional malaise (PEM). PEM stops people in their tracks. It impacts the ability to fully engage in life, sometimes to leave the home, sometimes even to get out of bed, sometimes to be able to think clearly, and sometimes to be able to communicate with others. Sometimes, even lying quietly in a darkened room can be excruciating. How can one accept this?

Thinking about the challenges my patients have described to me over the years is humbling. So many of them responded to their limitations, often limitations more severe than those I am facing now, with equanimity and dignity. Could they have been practicing radical acceptance knowingly or not? Is that what enabled them to cope with such grace? You will notice that I have far more questions than answers so far. Let’s see what the experts have to say.

Radical acceptance involves clearly seeing what is happening and responding with compassion rather than denial, avoidance, or self-criticism. The term is often associated with Buddhist philosophy and psychological approaches like dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). But you do not have to ascribe to any particular philosophy to try it.

Buddhism teaches that suffering does not come from pain but from our resistance to pain—the belief that life should be different than it is. That makes sense to me. I can observe that my suffering is greater when I am discouraged, dissatisfied and fighting with life.

Main Points of Radical Acceptance

 What Radical Acceptance Is

1. Observing reality instead of fighting it.
2. Nonjudgement—refraining from labeling experiences as "good" or "bad."
3. Treating ourselves and others with kindness and compassion, even in difficult situations.
4. Recognizing that life is not perfect. Suffering, failure, and discomfort are natural and unavoidable parts of life.
5. Freeing ourselves from unnecessary suffering by accepting what is. One of my longtime patients had a T-shirt that read, “Resistance is futile.” He was a huge sci-fi fan, and I gather this ancient wisdom was made famous in a Star Trek episode. I always thought that T-shirt succinctly summarized the essential challenge faced by those of us with complex chronic diseases. Not only is resistance futile, but it uses up valuable energy and makes us miserable. And yet, it is so hard to pull away from the illusion that resistance is the solution.

Radical acceptance offers an alternative to Western society’s addiction to continually wanting things to be different. In our culture, we are encouraged to always aim higher: to be more successful, more beautiful, more influential, and, yes, healthier. But where does that leave those of us facing limitations for which there is no obvious solution? If we haven’t yet found a solution, are we relegated to feeling like failures?

Advocates of radical acceptance promise that by embracing imperfections—our own, others’, and society’s—we can become free from this endless striving and find contentment in the present moment. In this moment, that sounds pretty good to me. So, I continue reading.

What Radical Acceptance Is Not

Many misunderstand radical acceptance, fearing it means giving up or being passive. Therefore, it is important to define what radical acceptance is not.

• Accepting reality does not mean we stop striving for change. In fact, acceptance often opens the door to transformation by freeing us from resistance.
• We do not surrender our ability to respond creatively and live fully.
• Radical acceptance is not about acting on every craving or cheesecake that comes our way but rather acknowledging our desires without judgment and making mindful choices.
• We are not accepting a permanent definition or image of self but rather noticing the ever-changing present moment and responding to it without attachment or judgment.

How to Find Radical Acceptance

1. Noticing our patterns of judgment, resistance, and grasping as passing phenomena. When we recognize that our thoughts and emotions are not “truth” but rather momentary reactions, often based on our bodily sensations and incomplete information, we gain freedom from the stories we tell ourselves.
2. Pausing and stepping back rather than reacting automatically to our emotions. Instead of reflexively resisting or pushing away experiences, we can pause and sit with what is.
3. Leaning into our feelings rather than running away from them. When we flee from pain, whether emotional or physical, it deepens our fear and suffering. Why? Because pain is an inescapable part of life. We cannot avoid it. We can, however, choose how to respond to it.
4. Saying yes to what is does not mean approving of harmful emotions or actions but rather bringing a friendly, nonjudgmental awareness to them. By accepting our difficult emotions rather than resisting them, we allow them to move through us, preventing them from becoming trapped.
5. Focusing on the immediate sensory experience rather than becoming lost in conditioned mental narratives. Esteemed meditation teacher Jon Kabat-Zinn explains that thoughts about our discomfort often worsen our suffering. For example, if we experience physical pain and immediately think, “This is unbearable” or “Something is wrong,” we amplify our distress. By understanding that mental and physical pain are passing sensations, we reduce their power.
6. Facing fear and letting go. Fear is a natural part of life, arising from our instinct to survive and avoid suffering. However, when we allow fear to dictate our actions, it can prevent us from fully living. No one is fully free of fear. But consider what would happen if you let go of your fear, however briefly, and focus instead on your embodied present moment (fear is always about the future)?
7. Practicing self-compassion. Compassion and self-compassion are antidotes to pain. Many people fear self-compassion will make them weak or selfish. However, being kind to ourselves is essential for healing. It does not mean excusing mistakes but involves letting go of self-hatred, which only perpetuates suffering.
8. Recognizing our basic goodness. I believe all humans possess an innate goodness, even if past actions obscure it. Seeing this in ourselves and others is crucial for healing. Practices like loving-kindness meditation can help cultivate a sense of goodness. By starting with self-compassion and then expanding our prayer or intention to loved ones, neutral people, and even difficult individuals, we can transform our perspective.

 As you read and reread the above eight aspects of radical acceptance, do any resonate with you? Are there any you are ready to enact now? Are there any you are willing to consider or work towards in the future? Are there others that just don’t seem right to you?

My Path to Radical Acceptance

Radical acceptance doesn’t come easily to me, and I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this. But I am open to it because when I pause and observe my situation with nonjudgement, it is much more tolerable than when I get swept up in the narrative that things should be different than they are.

I often turn to  Byron Katie’s The Work to better understand and question my beliefs and reactions. When I use her four simple steps to see my reactions more clearly, my anger and dissatisfaction can seem almost humorous. How could I believe that anything should be different than it is? To learn more, please click on the link above.

If I focus on my immediate sensory experience, I am always able to find aspects that are tolerable and even enjoyable. Life is never all good or all bad, and I always have a choice about what I focus on.

My fear is not based on the present moment but rather on what I imagine the future will be like if I am unable to walk. Since none of us knows what the future will bring, future casting is a pointless endeavor. If I focus on the present, the fear lessens and sometimes even evaporates.

If I treat myself with the same compassion that comes easily when I interact with friends and loved ones, if I talk to myself out loud as I would imagine a kind fairy godmother supporting and consoling me, I feel more at ease and often notice myself smiling. It feels good to be unconditionally accepted and to know I am worthy of compassion. And I, like all of you, am worthy. We are all beings who want to be healthy and live our best lives. We are all doing our best.

Writing this blog reminds me to let go, have confidence that a solution will present itself, and remember that my body’s healing powers are infinite and well beyond my understanding. In this moment, I choose to radically accept my circumstances. I choose peace.

If you want to learn diverse strategies for finding more peace, better health, and a fuller life, join me and a growing community of life-long learners every other Thursday for Live! with Dr. Stein. We learn new material every session, have spirited conversations and make learning fun.